I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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