i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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