well I can't set my house on fire every night
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
