Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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