when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
