i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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