Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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