happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He felt like a one man threesome
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
