woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize
