Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
