No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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