true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Randomize
