its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize