this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
They took my balls.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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