there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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