I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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