Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
