Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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