Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
