just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
