Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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