He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
