have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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