If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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