Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
