forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
