theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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