textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
