I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
