forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
