I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
