Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
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He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
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It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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