It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
