Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
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The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
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Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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