I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
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