I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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