duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
