if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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