I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I just want nice things and good sex
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
