the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
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His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
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He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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