OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
