Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
