Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
And the cops told us we were all naked.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
