oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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