I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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