so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize