god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize