It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
