seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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