I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
