i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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