We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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