Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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