My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
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This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
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So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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