I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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