and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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