can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I think my fart just growled at me.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
